LOS ANGELES — These three things are undeniably true: people love lists, the NFL is back and being bald is beautiful. It’s just science. You can’t deny it. And so where we are! Football! Power Rankings! Exclamation points! Week 1 is in the books and now it’s time to overreact on a weekly basis and figure out who’s beautiful. Away we go:
32.) Indianapolis Colts (0-1) → I was at their game with the Rams and I’m not saying everyone I was with called Scott Tolzien’s FIRST pick-6 but that shouldn’t happen to your starting QB.
31.) San Francisco 49ers (0-1) → The 49ers should just start tanking for Sam Darnold (or Josh Rosen) right now.
30.) New York Jets (0-1) → The Jets should just start tanking for Josh Rosen (or Sam Darnold) right now.
29.) New York Giants (0-1) → I know it’s one week but great Phil Simms Ghost that was awful offense. Odell Beckham can’t throw it AND run it, can he?
28.) Arizona Cardinals (0-1) → Carson Palmer’s Last Stand has begun and it’s taking place without David Johnson for some considerable time.
27.) Cincinnati Bengals (0-1) → SMH.
26.) Chicago Bears (0-1) → I know he got boo’d but McGlennon had four shots from inside the 10 to beat the defending NFC Champs.
25.) Houston Texans (0-1) → Can J.J. Watt play hold a fundraiser to get the Texans some decent offensive linemen?
24.) Washington Redskins (0-1) → Methinks Kirk Cousins should’ve signed that long-term contract when he had the chance.
23.) New Orleans Saints (0-1) → Adrian Peterson should’ve retired as a Viking.
22.) Cleveland Browns (0-1) → Maybe Rich is right and the Browns won’t be picking in the top 5 of the 2018 Draft but I’m gonna need a couple more weeks and some wins to be convinced.
21.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-0) → It sucks that the Bucs and Dolphins have to play 16 straight games, it’s not fair, but neither is the NFL. I am excited to see these guys get out there. Think Jameis Winston could have a special year and Jay Cutler is, well, Jay Cutler.
20.) Miami Dolphins (0-0) → see above.
19.) Seattle Seahawks (0-1) → The countdown before the Sehawks defense turns on Russell Wilson has officially begun.
18.) San Diego Chargers (0-1) → Poor Koo. I hate that icing the kicker rule but damn do the Chargers make it interesting week-in and week-out.
17.) Carolina Panthers (1-0) → Cam Newton doesn’t look right and probably won’t for another month or so.
16.) Tennessee Titans (0-1) → Everyone’s pick to breakout and make the playoffs laid an egg and home to open the season. This is just a fact.
15.) Buffalo Bills (1-0) → No clue what this team is going to look like all year but barely beating the Jets is not something to get excited about.
14.) Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) → Carson Wentz is Big Ben 2.0 but I need to see more Alshon Jeffery.
13.) Los Angeles Rams (1-0) → Was there a bigger Week 1 surprise than what the Rams did on Sunday? I say nay. Congrats all around.
12.) Detroit Lions (1-0) → Matthew Stafford got paid this offseason and then went up and backed it up with a comeback win and 4 TDs. In my face.
11.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0) → Blake Bortles is still the QB but holy Donovan Darius’s neckroll this defense might be the best in the NFL.
10.) Atlanta Falcons (1-0) → You know how if you get in a car accident it takes a while before you feel good about driving again? The Falcons drove again. It wasn’t pretty. But they got back out there and survived and that’s all that matters.
9.) Baltimore Ravens (1-0) → Joe Flacco dropped dimes after not throwing a football in like 6 months and that defense looked like 2000 form.
8.) New England Patriots (0-1) → Did Tom Brady look 40? Yes? Did the defense make Alex Smith look like Dan Marino? Yes. Could the Patriots start 0-5? Yes. Am I panicking? Yes.
7.) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) → Ben Roethlisberger now has more wins than any QB in the history of Browns Stadium. Read that again.
6.) Denver Broncos (1-0) → Trevor Siemian looked pretty dang good back there and the defense was flying around, per usual. Could be a fun year in Denver.
5.) Oakland Raiders (1-0) → Marshawn Lynch looked good, Derek Carr looked good but Amari Cooper dropped three straight passes in the end zone.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (1-0) → When did Sam Bradford turn into Joe freakin’ Montana? I know the Saints aren’t the ‘85 Bears or anything but he picked them apart like Thanksgiving dinner.
3.) Dallas Cowboys (1-0) → Zeke played. Zeke ate. Dak missed some throws. Defense looked good. Dallas is playoff bound.
2.) Green Bay Packers (1-0) → Packers dodged an early bullet with pick-6 reversal and then made Seattle look third rate. Will be a big win come December.
1.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-0) → This might a overreaction but whenever you beat down a team people legit thought could go 19-0, you deserve the top spot.