LOS ANGELES — Holy Galloping Ghost what the hell is going on in the NFL?! Think about the teams at 2-2 right now who we all thought could win the Super Bowl: Cowboys, Patriots, Raiders, Seahawks! And the Giants are winless! Let’s get to it.
32.) Cleveland Browns (record: 0-4; last week: 32) → Myles Garrett hasn’t played this season and Deshaun Watson had five touchdowns this week.
31.) San Francisco 49ers (0-4); 26) → The 49ers are easily the most entertaining winless team the NFL.
30.) New York Giants (0-4; 28) → Hey, I’m just glad Odell didn’t fake pee on anyone this week. That’s an improvement (yes, grasping at straws at this point).
29.) Indianapolis Colts (1-3; 25) → Jacoby Brissett isn’t that bad. I wouldn’t even play Andrew Luck this season to be honest. What’s he going to get you, maybe one more win?
28.) Chicago Bears (1-3; 24) → It’s Mitch Trubisky time!
27.) San Diego Chargers (0-4; 30) → I refuse to call them the “Los Angeles Chargers” until they win a game.
26.) Miami Dolphins (1-2; 22) → Gotta wonder how long The Jay Cutler Experience will last.
25.) Cincinnati Bengals (1-3; 31) → Andy Dalton is back! It’s like he never left!
24.) Baltimore Ravens (2-2; 23) → Like I said, needed to see more from a team whose two wins were over Bengals and Browns.
23.) Arizona Cardinals (2-2; 20) → This team makes every game interesting and it’s uncanny how ageless Larry Fitzgerald is. Might write that every week.
22.) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2; 17) → AFC South shaping up to be an interesting division.
21.) New York Jets (2-2; 27) → Solid defense and some timely offense has the Jets at .500. Seriously.
20.) New Orleans Saints (2-2; 19) → Season saved for Saints who are now back in the mix in the wide open NFC.
19.) Oakland Raiders (2-2; 12) → So Derek Carr is out up to six weeks with a broken back. Things just went from getting worse to a whole lot worse fast.
18.) Minnesota Vikings (2-2; 9) → Dalvin Cook torn ACL is easily the worst news of the day. Such a bummer.
17.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1; 18) → I have no idea what’s going to happen Thursday night against New England but I will tell you there’s going to be a TON of points scored.
16.) Seattle Seahawks (2-2; 21) → Dare I say biggest game of the season is Week 5 at Los Angeles. Can’t believe I just wrote that.
15.) Tennessee Titans (2-2; 5) → If you’re scoring at home, that’s 90 points allowed the last two weeks by this defense.
14.) Carolina Panthers (3-1; 29) → Who knew all that Cam Newton needed to get fixed was a matchup against the Patriots defense?
13.) Houston Texans (2-2; 16) → It’s only Week 4 and I’m running out of awesome things to say about Deshaun Watson. Don’t worry. I’ll do better next week when he balls out again.
12.) Dallas Cowboys (2-2; 10) → The good news is when needed Dak was able to put points on the board, the bad news is the defense giving up alllll those points.
11.) Washington Redskins (2-2; 11) → They’re a borderline dropped touchdown away from going into Arrowhead and pulling off an upset. This team is fine.
10.) Buffalo Bills (3-1; 15) → Don’t look now but the BUFFALO BILLS ARE IN FIRST PLACE IN THE AFC EAST.
9.) New England Patriots (2-2; 4) → Early candidate for biggest free agent bust (and it’s not even close) has to be Stephon Gilmore. Killed the Pats defense today with several costly penalties.
8.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-1; 7) → Pretty nice when you can play a home game 3,000 miles from your actual home.
7.) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1; 14) → OH! There’s Le’Veon Bell. Great googly moogly.
6.) Green Bay Packers (3-1; 6) → Aaron Rodgers making an early case for MVP. At the rate they’re going, Del Tufo is next up at running back for this team.
5.) Detroit Lions (3-1; 8) → It wasn’t pretty but Lions are using defense to win games and if you think about it, they should be undefeated.
4.) Atlanta Falcons (3-1; 2) → Julio Jones’s injury didn’t help but this was by far the worst Matt Ryan game in quite some time. I’m chalking it up to an aberration.
3.) Los Angeles Rams (3-1; 13) → The Rams are one bad defensive possession against Washington away from being 4-0, have the highest scoring offense in the league… Todd Gurley is the quarter-post MVP.
2.) Denver Broncos (3-1; 3) → The Broncos are a different team at home but man can that front four disrupt the passer.
1.) Kansas City Chiefs (4-0; 1) → Best team in football proved it in a tough game and got some big kicks from a rookie. Takes a village to make Andy Reid happy.